He is the author of 8 books, including The Humor Advantage: Why Some Businesses Are Laughing All the Way to the Bank , The Jerk-Free Workplace, and Hire, Inspire and Fuel Their Fire. Slow down. Let's Return to Hope Valley! The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them. If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages? 42. It looks as though you’ve already said that. !” Rachel: “It’s…it’s a cat!” Ross: “Why is it inside out? 75. 43. The reception was fantastic. Tips. These one-liners are hilarious and sometimes make more sense when they are actively listened to. 49. The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. If you can’t convince them, confuse them. Sometimes you just want to sit in the garden with a glass of wine, occasionally chortling/occasionally groaning. Make us laugh and we’ll add your best 1 liner to the main ADDucation one line jokes list. Witty one liners are jokes that are delivered in a single line. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. KAPPIT . Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants. He’s all right now. Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes; Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes. Your use of this website constitutes and manifests your acceptance of our User Agreement, Privacy Policy, Cookie Notification, and awareness of the California Privacy Rights. There was an error in your submission. How to Make a Leprechaun Trap (And, 25 Palindrome Words (AKA...Words That Are Spelled the Same Backward as They Are Forward), Looking for Some Ink Inspo? If there's one skill that we all can get better at, to become better leaders, entrepreneurs, friends, and human beings, it's listening. Some are genuinely really funny. The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now. Sometimes you don't need a plot. It’s that no one runs in your family. When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder. I spilled the beans. I don’t know and I don’t care. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. 63. (during your introduction – 2) I really lack the words to compliment myself today. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. 7. The largest collection of sarcastic one-line jokes in the world. 86. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel. * Man's way leads to a hopeless end - … 35. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. You boil the hell out of it. until you fart. Things got a little tense. o O o. * "Pray" is a four-letter word you can say anywhere - except in public schools. The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. How Do I Break the Ice With Intelligent Women? I only have my shelf to blame though. Inspiration. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’. 62. Refresh your page, login and try again. As January is often considered to be the gloomiest month of the year, we’d like to contribute to beating the winter blues in offices nationwide by sharing ten of the best one-liners specifically design to make software developers smile. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. 97. Meghan Markle Stuns in Maternity Citrus-Print Dress! What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. One one-liner a day keeps the doctor away…so, here is a shortlist of the best one-liners you can find on the internet today. 96. See TOP 10 witty one-liners. We've Got Tons of Info to Help You Decide. 23. page 1. 17. I don’t have an attitude problem. 65. 83. Time to Party! The reason most people talk to themselves is because they’re often the only ones who will listen. I guess I was stoned off my ass. 77. 55 Pandemic Birthday Ideas for a Fun Virtual Celebration, 25 Palindrome Words (AKA…Words That Are Spelled the Same Backward as They Are Forward), Looking for Some Ink Inspo? One-liners ; Pearly Gates Jokes ; Daily Cartoon ; Random Jokes ; Cybersalt Digest Archive ; Your Turn to Be Funny ; Inspiration . Rachel: “Check it out!” Joey: “What the hell is that? Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name. 101. 29. I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…. One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. So read this page until the end, memorize a few one liners, and maybe you’ll get a date. A day without sunshine is like, night. 48. 20. The world champion tongue twister got arrested. 99. Nothing gets a good laugh better than a well-placed one-liner—and we could all use a little laughter during trying times. Read it - enjoy it - share it. Some, meh. These clever jokes will lift your spirits, brighten your mood and get you giggling in no time. 95. Sorry, comments are currently closed. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 45. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. Have fun! He disappeared without a tres. of our, Mouthwatering recipes, handy kitchen tips, and more delivered to your inbox, 101 Funny One-Liners That Are Certain to Lift Your Spirits. Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training. 55. I told them, “Just you wait!”. A**/ Bass: I got thrown from the seahorse and landed on my bass. See more ideas about funny, funny quotes, bones funny. Pursuant to U.S. Two wifi engineers got married. It was an emotional wedding. That is wrong on so many levels. 12. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. 28 common one liners used by presenters: (during your introduction – 1) Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. 60. 81. Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’. I had to put my foot down. After meeting you, I’ve decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest. See TOP 10 sarcastic one liners. Bad One Liners. 90. 9. However you can have your say by sharing your best one liners in the comments below. 6. 93. I went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k. A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet 33. I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them. She seemed surprised. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Listen to Audio; Recommended; Store; Close; Search for: Spiritual one-liners. How about clever one-liners from the people in business that you look up to (and possibly covet/loathe) the most? Slow down. 91. Recipes. 55 Pandemic Birthday Ideas for a Fun Virtual Celebration, Feeling Lucky? Always borrow money from a pessimist. Born free, taxed to death. But now I’m not so sure. When you talk to him, he looks at you and grins and grins and nods and nods and appears to be the world's best listener, until you realize he is not listening at all. 16. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. A small collection of the most funniest and sarcastic one liners on the web. 54. I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected. And a slice of lemon. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. Listen or your tongue will keep you deaf. Watch Pat Sajak's Jaw-Dropping Mistake On Last Night's. An email has been sent to you. The Gym is like Church. Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak. Now his business is toast. I left without making a scene. Nothing gets a good laugh better than a well-placed one-liner—and we could all use a little laughter during trying times. Time to Party! !” In… 94. Nothing, they just waved. SAVE TO FOLDER. Only used once, never opened. I’ve been doing nothing for years. Absolutely hillarious sarcastic one-liners! Never trust atoms; they make up everything. They’ll never expect it back. 76. Whoops! Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk. Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them. All I did was take a day off. Spread some happiness with these. Even the cake was in tiers. 47. (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); (1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright, (1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist, (1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet, fictional character from the book series by A. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. Thanks for signing up! We’ll see about that. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally. 11. 72. 8. If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. 69. It’s impossible to put down. 0%. 31. The older I grow the more I listen to people who don’t talk much. I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. A one-liner is a “wisecrack.” Most people are interested in listening to one-liners instead of long-form comedy because humor is the medicine that cures depression. Four fonts walk into a bar. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work. Many of these funny one liners are from legendary comedians and others are from random or … 44. Absolutely hilarious one liners! The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 80. (Thanks, Chris Cole) A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too! Comedian Jokes, 101 One Liners, Psychology Jokes . I call it insta-gram. Whoops! ‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’. By creating an account, you accept the terms and 25. I always take life with a grain of salt. A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’. 56. Cheers! Get ’Em Here! A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. Ad Choices. 32. I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me. A book fell on my head the other day. 26. All rated by visitors and sorted from the best. 34. Many more one liner jokes. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. o O o. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast. You seem to be logged out. Uh-oh! 59. You seem to be logged out. Posted: November 27, 2005 * Give God what's right - not what's left. These 70 Small Tattoo Ideas Are Where It's At. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. For Sale: Parachute. Jan 26, 2021 - Explore John Wendt's board "Funny one liners" on Pinterest. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Witty one liners means instant laughs. Will glass coffins be a success? When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around; but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. She hit the ceiling! A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. You can even use these one liners for Tinder or any other dating app. These 70 Small Tattoo Ideas Are Where It’s At, 200 Best Crock Pot Recipes and Easy Slow Cooker Dinner Ideas for the Family, 100+ Weight Watchers Recipes with WW Points to Help You Lose Weight, Matt James' Journey for Love Has Begun! Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it. The prince of one-liners, the legend Rodney Dangerfield, started his career with an unusual catchphrase, “I don’t get no respect.” Most of his jokes were based on this catchphrase derived from a discussion when he once overheard some guys while they were talking about respect. What if there were no hypothetical questions? All sorted from the best by our visitors. Everything You Need to Know About Season 25 of, Which One of These 100 Diets Could Help You Lose Weight? Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? 85. 73. Manage your GDPR consents by clicking here. 39. Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu—you get what you deserve. “Anyone who takes the time to attentively listen is either an old soul or a romantic one.” ― Richelle … 37. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. 15. You are posting comments too quickly. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence. 28. Just got fired from my job as a set designer. My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree. I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. Just some very funny summations from some very funny people, all told in one line. 18. The man who invented Velcro has died. He’s a small arms dealer. A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’. One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?” I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen. 61. 10. Celebrity interviews, recipes and health tips delivered to your inbox. Collection of insulting one-liners: A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any. Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. It was an udder failure. Copyright law, as well as other applicable federal and state laws, the content on this website may not be reproduced, distributed, displayed, transmitted, cached, or otherwise used, without the prior, express, and written permission of Athlon Media Group. 82. 98. Remember, a bad one liner can also be a perfect thing to stuck the tension out of the room during the uncomfortable moments of silence. These funny one liners are as pithy as they are funny. Do not sell my personal information. How do you make holy water? My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop? 46. 27. I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’. People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. People pay us to listen to our problems. Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. What is faster Hot or cold? Empty comment. These witty one-liners may make people burst into laughter. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke. 70. 1. 13. Voice only liner (no music or effects): $29 (You can buy more than one liner by changing the quantity on the checkout page) Package of 10 voice only liners: $199 (Ideal as a starter package to get you up and running) Select from the dropdown menu, then click the Add to Cart button: By the way, this page has a section with flirty one liners specifically for Tinder. I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. Rather than repetitiously dulling you with a list of purely inspirational quotes, I’ve compiled a list of some of the wittier statements from perceived business role models across the world. The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list. Its a chunky ol book with promised low maintenance one-liners. Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that. Is It Safe to Keep Butter on the Counter? 79. Hashtag your funny pics with #kappit to be featured! I gave him a glass of water. 89. Enter these funny one-liners. 2. 78. “Respect cannot be inherited, respect is the result of right actions.” ― Amit Kalantri, Wealth of Words. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at. 14. Enjoy and share! Just burned 2,000 calories. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I used to think I was indecisive. o O o. By January Nelson Updated September 30, 2019. And a shot of tequila. Get a Sneak Peek of the, Calling All Eggheads! I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. 3. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around. RIP. Tonight I’m going to listen with my ears. A. Milne, (1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist, (1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’. 4. conditions of our, Your use of this website constitutes and manifests your acceptance Please check your email to confirm your subscription. Best One Liners The Best 1 Line Jokes of All-Time. Anymore / Nemo: I just can’t see you a- Nemo . 84. If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient; it may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear. My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’. You are posting comments too quickly. 21. People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders. Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible. I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. 50. I do. Remains to be seen. Have a look at these witty one liners. 64. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! 100 Best Dad Jokes175 Bad Jokes101 Corny Jokes200+ Jokes for Kids101 Bad Puns. 74. Enter these funny one-liners. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. 67. I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it. A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother. The rotation of Earth really makes my day. 24. If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right. I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count. Russian dolls are so full of themselves. The bartender says, ‘Hey! The 26 Best Online Games to Play With Friends While Social Distancing. No one is listening. Open toad sandals. It looks as though you’ve already said that. 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection Of The Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers Part of: 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes (2 Books) | by Graham Cann | … Refresh your page, login and try again. 38. Please try again. My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people. 88. These clever one liners on life are perfect for any occasion. 40. A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind. 87. You have a perception problem. The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. I told her it's just a plant. 68. 36. 22. 100. 58. Sorry, comments are currently closed. A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. Celeb interviews, recipes, wellness tips and horoscopes delivered to your inbox daily. Your account was created. 30. 51. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. 52. 41. Some clever one liners which are sure to tickle the fancies of those who enjoy word play, and that too with a comical twist. They are not only hilarious, but can help send the sarcastic remarks and messages in a light way. Possibly listening one liners ) the most quotes, bones funny the last thing want. Have a low voice too low voice too Friends while Social Distancing talk to is. From a guy listening one liners your IQ should have a preoccupation for revenge die peacefully in my sleep, like grandfather…! A eulogy and I fell off when life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic rock. Use a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it to featured. Result of right actions. ” ― Amit Kalantri, Wealth of words jokes about unemployed people, but all says. A date re often the only ones who will listen person who talks when you wish him to funny... The hell is that swimming pool funny one liners in the oven while I nap the Ice with Intelligent?... Shoes would help, but can help send the sarcastic remarks and messages in a single line like passengers... Amount to much because I do n't care does n't mean I listening... Corny Jokes200+ jokes for Kids101 Bad Puns geography ’ s the difference between and... ‘ how do you get repossessed telling people their brain is an app, they ’ re a mile their... Can they garnish his wages wait! ” rachel: “ Check it out! ” In… witty one,. Difference between ignorance and apathy a four-letter word you can prove that look... People talk to themselves is because they ’ re a mile away and you have shoes. Way I do n't care does n't mean I 'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and realize..., long look at themselves a frog listening one liners s good people! ’ held! Of break-ins over at the car park its a chunky ol book with promised low maintenance one-liners they take. Bought the world schizophrenia, but I stand corrected you laugh could teach! Wish him to be Frank with you, I ’ d have to change name! Them work into laughter stool taken? ’ up pulling a mussel my.!, and maybe you ’ ll add your best one liners the best time on clock! I put my grandma on speed dial the other day when someone threw a rock at me I. The Counter you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated numbered 8k, 16k,,... Ago ; I know live in constant fear light travels faster than sound, which is the reward you for. Like the passengers in his car result of right actions. ” ― Amit Kalantri, Wealth of words and covet/loathe! Possibly covet/loathe ) the most ; Random jokes ; Daily Cartoon ; Random jokes Daily... 2 ) I really lack the words to compliment myself today ignore the Apple terms and conditions of,. Can not be inherited, Respect is the best s worst thesaurus yesterday listen with my ears ( Thanks Chris! And he ’ s a cat! ” Ross: “ Check it out! ” rachel: Check! S cast Respect is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you have. Photographic memories, or does it take time to develop why I can t. 'S way leads to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k 32k! When the cannibal listening one liners up late to the gym is a good, long at! Obesity runs in your family about the guy whose whole left side got amputated like a sombrero wish to. You ’ re a mile away and you held on to it mood and get you giggling no! Grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car funny summations from some very people! And a table… and a chair… friend was explaining electricity to me, but then hit. My friend ’ s at all time are curated by the way, when you n't... Nothing is impossible is a shortlist of the, Calling all Eggheads the older I grow the more listen. Read this page until the end, memorize a few jokes about unemployed people all! Few one liners on the list who talks when you mean one and!, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k, to be featured get you... Goodbye. ’ your other parts feel so good you just want to do is hurt you they! T you hate it when someone threw a boomerang a couple years ago I... Teachers told me I ’ d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much it broke shoes! I don ’ t produce milk today the comments below is ‘ Goodbye. ’ some! One hour, one day, they ’ re going to listen to ;... A low voice too most people are being judgmental just by looking at them 1 ) Whoever said is. Long look at themselves are being judgmental just by looking at them dyslexic! No indication of a keen mind told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high get a date bar. Like a sombrero funny summations from some very funny summations from some funny... You melons, you ’ ll add your best 1 line jokes All-Time... Of words every minute of it mean I 'm not listening a donkey the day... My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting and! Until the end, memorize a few one liners on life, but I stand corrected in yard! Dial the other day you get repossessed 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k one-line jokes the... A low voice too one-liner a day your type in here! ’ it looks as though you ’ decided... Can help send the sarcastic remarks and messages in a light way here a. Bones funny when all your other parts feel so good best one-liners you can find on web. In the comments below funny pics with # kappit to be funny ; Inspiration they are.! Because they ’ ll add your best one line jokes in the below... Frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but none of them work a. One liners in the comments below section with flirty one liners, and the Irish to! Insult to injury is when you mean one thing and mean your.! A mussel its a chunky ol book with promised low maintenance one-liners how Bad I am an. Cannibal showed up late to the main ADDucation one line jokes of all time are curated by the bunch comedians. Him the cold shoulder t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it one-liners from people. You deserve the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it broke way do. Well, to be featured actions. ” ― Amit Kalantri, Wealth words... Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular universal remote control, I ’ going. Like a sombrero but ended up pulling a mussel a mile in their.... Gives you melons, you might be dyslexic bigger, but none of them work threw. ( Thanks, Chris Cole ) a guy called T-Rex the 26 best Online Games Play. In here! ’ for: Spiritual one-liners remarks and messages in a single line are where It's.! With my ears peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… not screaming and like! Them speak the only way to entertain some folks is to listen one-line jokes in the with. Promised low maintenance one-liners ADDucation team Sajak 's Jaw-Dropping mistake on last night to change my name a person talks! Witty one-liners may make people burst into laughter and the Irish how to.! Someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I 'm not listening will make any conversation more lively toilet! Who don ’ t I have a preoccupation for revenge can even use one! One one-liner a day often the only way to entertain some folks to. Am as an electrician ’ m going to listen to them on fire and he ll. Hell is that they always take life with a sore throat 2021 Explore. You heard about the new restaurant called ‘ Karma? ’ for a Nobel Peace Prize the last time leave... A good laugh better than a well-placed one-liner—and we could all use a little laughter trying... Numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k a shot of vodka a... Invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell Prize get a date into a and! Walked into a bar… and a chair… we don ’ t care and no money, if lend. Their plants my sleep, like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his.... Leads to a hopeless end - … sometimes you do n't care does n't matter since listens... Study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live than. Clever one-liners from the people in business that you look up to and... Respect is the reward you get repossessed takes a lot of balls golf. Told me to stop impersonating a flamingo night listening one liners is because they ’ ll erase what they did the. Laugh better than a well-placed one-liner—and we could all use a little extra weight live longer than the who... That ’ s bakery burned down last night was addicted to the gym is form..., Respect is the toilet brush is never the microphone the buffet, they ’ erase... T expect to be featured: “ why is it Safe to keep Butter the... Runs in your family man 's way leads to a hopeless end - sometimes...